phantom pain
by ohwhatsherface
Summary: This isn't a story about Sasuke's a redemption. It's one about Sakura's healing.
1. one

**Note: **One of my favourite stories on ffn of all time is The Road of Touch, The Road to Feel by sincerelyLen, largely because it actually addresses Sakura's trauma over Sasuke's attempt to kill her, and I don't think there are enough stories like that out there. I sincerely hope it gets finished one day.  
**Warnings:** post-canon, repentant!Sasuke  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto. Also, the description of "violently and deliberately" – words that I think are perfect for this – came from an anonymous reviewer of Time Can't Heal. Thank you, kind stranger!

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**phantom pain**

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When Sakura sees the easy acceptance that comes with understanding and a hope for peace, she scolds herself. She wills her heartbeat to stop its racing and her body to ease its tenseness. She swallows and smiles but she knows that despite Naruto's laughter and Kakashi's smiles, _he_ can see straight through her.

She's a woman of logic. It's simple:

You attacked him first. You tried to kill him first. You started it. It was only fair that he returned the favour, right? It's okay. Now let it go.

But it's not okay. It's not acceptable. And it's not something Sakura can just get forget.

When Sasuke comes back and finds himself redeemed (or as redeemed as he can possibly ever be), Sakura knows what is expected of her. She knows that she's supposed to sit by his bedside while he recovers after a mission, peeling apples and replacing the flowers by the window daily, not making rounds through the hospital and only slipping into his room a few minutes at a time. She knows she's supposed to giggle and twirl her hair and croon the expected _Sasuke-kun_, not smile anxiously and barely utter his name without croaking. Sakura is expected to slip back into the role of the Lovesick Little Fool to ease Sasuke's transition into Konoha life, but it's not that simple and cannot do that.

She can see the question in Naruto's eyes when, without thinking, she takes a step or two back, physically distancing herself from Sasuke.

What are you doing?

What _are_ you doing?

Well it's simple: He scares her.

Sakura will never say it aloud. She'll never cry in front of him or let him see the way she physically _trembles_ in his presence – and certainly not in a good way. She'll never rant about the matter or outright seek some form of excuse from him. Instead, Sakura struggles to stifle her hyperventilating when he gets a little too close for comfort or when his eyes bleed red or when the familiar chirping of the Chidori fills her ears. She ignores the way he looks at her questioningly when she freezes up and she definitely ignores the way he averts his eyes as if he _understands_ – as if he's _sorry_.

Those are times when logic fails her – when there's no eye for an eye, there's just pain and a lack of air and an overwhelming fear coursing through her body. There's just Sasuke with one hand locked around her throat and the other about to blast her head off. Those are the times when Sakura's blunt, even if it's just to herself, because _he tried to kill her_. He tried to kill her, violently and deliberately, without a second thought to the matter. How can she not fear him? She loved him. She _worshiped_ him and he tried to _kill _her.

She never directly deals with Sasuke. No. Sakura avoids Sasuke as much as she can, but when the invitation for ramen can't be declined or the mission is assigned, Sakura bites her tongue and bears with it until one day, over Naruto's snores and the cracks of campfire, Sasuke all but whispers:

"I fucked up."

She looks at him. He sits beside her with a careful distance between them but she can't help her tensing when the red of the flames reflects in his eyes.

She plays the confused little girl: "What?"

He only frowns. He won't repeat himself.

She can feel herself shaking, something that just happens automatically when he's around. She knows it's kind of pathetic to quake the way she does, but there's nothing flowery or romantic about the action. It's dread, pure and simple. It's memories of suffocating and feeling utterly terrified and heartbroken all coming back to her that make her freeze up and begin to tremble. And this time it's just too much because he's _right there_ and apparently he's finally acknowledging what he did and how badly he fucked her up and it's just _too much_.

So Sakura cries.

It's not the obnoxious sobbing and splotchy-faced sort of crying. Rather, the tears slip silently as she shivers much to her own dismay, but stifles any sound that threatens to escape. She turns her head to the side so that he cannot see her and she wipes at the tears furiously. Stop that, she wills, but it's useless.

A tentative hand reaches out to her but that only make things worse.

"Don't!" She slaps his gesture away and crawls back. "Don't touch me!" she orders raggedly. "Don't _ever_ touch me!"

Part of her feels guilty for shouting – for holding onto a grudge – but it's not just a grudge, she rationalizes.

For Sakura, the sight of him and the feel of him make her stomach drop and her pulse quicken and her body shake. For Sakura, Sasuke is now a genuine fear, so she ignores Naruto's stirring form and Sasuke's hardened features and hastily walks into the foliage to be alone.

**tbc**


	2. two

**Note:** I'm sorry for the slow update! I didn't think this story would be as well-received as it was and I basically ended up in a state of "well shit." Anyhow, thank you all for your amazing comments. I found them very helpful – so if I address your disagreements with my plot directly in the story, please don't be offended!  
**And: **I was a little apprehensive about including a scene focalized through Sasuke because I feel like it takes the focus away from Sakura buuuut. I don't know. I'm hoping it can indirectly shed some light on Sakura's current mindset. Let me know what you think! This chapter is a little more of a transitional piece sooo yeah. :D  
**Warnings: **post-canon; repentant!Sasuke; sad!Sakura  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto.

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He finds himself impossibly graceless in her presence. He repeats his three chosen words – _I fucked up_ – and finds the bitter taste of failure on his tongue.

Really? he wonders. That's what you went with?

"Where's Sakura-chan?" Naruto asks, rubbing his eyes. Sasuke clenches his jaw and Naruto hears everything from his silence. He tries to smile. "She…" He trails off, looking towards the trees. "She'll come around eventually," Naruto says hopefully. When he gets no reply, Naruto simply stretches. "Well, I might as well start my shift."

Sasuke nods and lies down, staring up at the darkened sky, suddenly thoughtful.

He commends her for being strong enough to face him. She's more composed in his presence than she thinks she is. He sees the way she trembles – how can he not? – but he also sees the way she hardens her heart. Her fists will clench and her shoulders will stiffen. She'll stand there, tense, and looking as though she's waiting for him to attack, but despite the fear, she _stays_.

So Sasuke hangs back. He doesn't avoid her because he's come to learn that ignoring an issue will do nothing, but he doesn't push her, because he's also learnt that too much trying can just unravel all the progress you've ever made. Instead, he keeps his distance when she's around so she won't have to feel like she needs to protect herself. He talks to her minimally and tries not to make any physical contact with her. The only reason he tried tonight was because the overwhelming guilt was becoming too much.

He used to be her hero. She loved him. He was everything. Her prince, her saviour, her future. Maybe this was her fault. Maybe she idealized him too much and when he fell from that pedestal she all but forced him onto, she simply couldn't handle her dreams being torn apart. Maybe _he_ was the victim of her pining and wishing. But no, that's not the case. Sasuke remembers the day that haunts her clearly. Despite how deeply deranged he might've been at the time, he remembers everything. He remembers the joy of killing Danzou, the frustration he felt by the loss of Karin – then just an asset in his mind, the anger he felt when Sakura pulled a kunai on him.

Then, he wanted to punish her.

She simply wasn't _allowed_ to turn on him after all the promises she'd ever made to him. Who did she think she was? He remembered the sheer rage running through his veins at her daring to betray him and how badly he wanted to hurt her. At the time, Sasuke fully intended to murder her and now that was coming back to haunt him.

He thinks about his past and his present and his future, and he thinks about the sacrifices Itachi made for him.

This isn't the life you're supposed to have, he tells himself when Sakura shies away from his presence. This isn't how things are supposed to be.

So he tries to fix his destroyed relationship with Sakura because he's smart enough to recognize that helping her recover is a stepping stone in his own repentance. He'll reduce himself to kindness and apologies because, in the end, this is Sakura.

Sakura, the girl who once upon a time, he would have given his life for – who he would still give his life for.

Sakura, who he wants to help heal.

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* * *

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They carry their mission out with few words and upon returning to the village, Sakura heads to the hospital to find some sort of solace. She stumbles into the E.R. and sifts through files, not quite sifting through files at all.

Sakura tries to scold herself for her behaviour the other night with Sasuke – for _crying_. The words are the same as they always are because she's had this conversation with herself many, many times but never seems to heed results.

She points out the obvious: You're a ninja. You know violence. You know pain. How is this different?

_How is this different?_ Sakura almost scoffs at the idea. How can this _not_ be different? This is _Sasuke_. This isn't some faceless missing-nin and this isn't a crazed twelve-year-old Gaara. This is _Sasuke_ in her nightmares, ready and so willing to end her life. How can you just put _Sasuke_ on the same level as the typical everyday violence of being a ninja?

It's not about the action. It's about the person that was behind it. It's about seeing how far he'd fallen – how willing he was to kill her.

Sakura doesn't like the way she acts and she knows that there are a number of ways she _could_ act:

She could be angry. She could punch him and yell at him and punch him some more until Naruto pulls her away because, in a twisted act of repentance, Sasuke won't fight back. He won't hit her or block. His arms will hang limply at his sides and he'll only flinch at every assault. He'll take her anger, accept it and consume it and he won't do _anything_ until finally, she's spent – until finally, there's nothing to do but to cry and hold him and do something rash like forgive him.

Or she could be overly kind. She could be graceful and have the heart to forgive him right away. She can encompass all the objectivity she thinks she has and give Sasuke the "well, you weren't completely yourself" and then do something as stupid as _pretend nothing happened_ and coo the _Sasuke-kuns_ and smile at him and fawn over him like a twelve-year-old girl all over again. She could welcome him back into her life with ease and maybe even fall back in love like the simpering idiot she remembers once being.

Or she could continue the way she's been going and react like the traumatized little girl she is, barely staying composed in his presence.

Because that's what she is. She's traumatized. There's no glorifying it, no romanticizing it, no mocking it. Sasuke tried to kill her and try as she may, she can find absolutely no joy in being in his presence.

You'd think she can hide her fear, but she can't. It's not like it's voluntary. She doesn't _want_ to tremble the way she does, and as much as she tries not to, she's not strong enough.

"Sakura?"

She looks up from the patient file she isn't reading. Tsunade stares at her curiously. "Don't you have a mission?" her master asks.

"Just got back," Sakura explains.

"Success?"

Sakura smiles at her. "Mission details are confidential."

Tsunade rolls her eyes and takes the file from Sakura's hands. "That is not how you speak to the former Hokage, young lady." She closes the blue binder and blocks Sakura from grabbing it back or taking another one. "You need to go home," she explains. Any traces of humor fade from Tsunade's ever young face as she puts the file down and rests both hands on Sakura's shoulders. Tsunade doesn't miss the tension that rises. "Were you with the boys?"

"Yes."

Sakura knows that Tsunade knows why she came. Who but her master could have taught her the art of avoiding healing yourself through healing others?

Tsunade merely sighs. Her arms fall limply to her sides and she puts her hands in the pockets of her lab coat. "Do you need me to write you another prescription, Sakura?"

"No."

But Tsunade still takes out the notepad to prescribe Sakura a stronger brand of sleeping pills. When she hands Sakura the paper, the girl takes it wordlessly. Sakura turns on her heel, ready to silently walk away, but Tsunade can't help herself: "The nightmares go away."

She watches the way Sakura stiffens and her eyes grow wide. "What?" Her voice is small.

Tsunade smiles sadly. Part of her wants to hug Sakura, but she stays still. "They go away," she repeats. She looks away and thinks back to the nightmares she used to have about the love of her life and death and blood.

Tsunade, one of the greatest kunoichi of them all, had her own encounter with an everlasting trauma, but Sakura almost scoffs because that took her master _decades_ to recover from.

The prescription crumples in her hand. "I don't know what you're talking about," Sakura mumbles before walking away.

.

* * *

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She goes straight to the pharmacy, grateful for Tsunade's perception and prescription. She walks home languidly, now finally feeling the toll of the mission combined with the physical stress that her psychological stress was somehow manifesting.

I will go to sleep, she decides, and I will forget. I'm fine.

She repeats it to herself over and over: I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Sakura maintains the mantra, prepping herself for a day of training with Naruto and Sasuke that she promised she'd attend, and is so busy deluding herself into thinking that she's fine that she doesn't notice Sasuke standing at her doorstep until she's a few yards away from him.

She freezes.

"H—hello," she says, eager to pretend his so-called apology never happened.

He doesn't waste time: "Can we talk?"

Sakura swallows thickly. Can they? She nods. This time, she promises, I will stay composed. Her muscles tighten uncomfortably as she tries to stifle any trembling and she clenches her jaw as she wills herself not to cry again. I can do this.

I can do this.

**tbc**


End file.
